My father passed away ten months ago [in Ramadhan 2002] after a long and hard battle against multiple myeloma. He had been diagnosed two years earlier and we had all known then that the cancer was in its advanced stages. Even so, I was not prepared. When he breathed his last, the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. I learnt then that grief is not something you can plan for – it is a profoundly lonely and frightening experience.

My father battled the disease stoically and sought comfort in prayer and supplication. He was blessed with a cheerful and vibrant countenance and it was this that made it hard for people to believe that he had such a serious illness. He did lose his hair and his usual vigour due to the chemotherapy; nevertheless, he still managed to look almost healthy. Looking back, I know now that he struggled very hard to appear well – he kept up his immaculate appearance and put up a brave front in front of others.

My mother stood by him throughout his illness, nursing him and taking care of his every need. She fought fatigue and despair and held his hand when he felt alone and afraid. This woman who must have had dreams of growing old with her husband remained a pillar of strength when he passed away and kept the family united.

Through my mother and father, I have grown to appreciate how very resilient the human spirit can be. So, today, I would like to talk about meeting adversities with grace and courage.

Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala says in the noble Qur’an, “And certainly We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to those who are patient.” (Al Baqarah 2: 155)

This life is filled with fortune and benefits as well as hardship and trials. Our lives alternate between comfort and suffering. The believer, however, knows that the pleasures of this world are but temporary and that he should focus on ensuring that he has provisions of piety which would serve him well in the hereafter. Allah tells us, “Truly, the life of this world is nothing but a [quick passing] enjoyment, and verily, the Hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Al-Ghafir: 39]

I am reminded of a conversation that took place a few years ago. I was then struggling to become a more practicing and knowledgeable Muslimah. It seemed that the harder I tried, the more trials I seemed to encounter. This I conveyed to a friend whom I always turned to for guidance and support.

I had expected words of consolation and understanding, but the reply I got was brief and almost curt – “But of course… Jannah does not come cheap.”

I was taken aback then, but I now know that that person’s words are true. Allah has said in Surah al-`Ankaboot: 2-3]: “Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe,’ and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allah knows all that before putting them to test)…”

Indeed, this world is the place of striving and the Hereafter is the place of reward… provided we remain patient and steadfast. As Allah promised: “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to as-Saabiroon (the patient), who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones…” [al-Baqarah:155-157]

Meeting Pain with Patience
Sadness, anguish and even anger in times of trials are natural. The danger is that if we do not exercise sufficient self-control, these feelings may take over us and cause us to lose perspective. This trait is not restricted to the fairer sex of course, but we do have a tendency to become emotional and overwrought. We forget that there are others who are afflicted with much worse. We lament and moan about our difficulties, forgetting that they are blessings in themselves.

One may find it odd to say that trials are a boon, but we need to only look at the Qur`an and Sunnah to know that trials refine our character and fortify our faith. Allah tests His slaves with calamities in order to raise them in status and to expiate for their sins, as the Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said in another hadeeth: “No misfortune or disease befalls a Muslim, no worry or grief or harm or distress – not even a thorn that pricks him – but Allah will expiate for some of his sins because of that.” (Agreed upon, narrated by al-Bukhari)

It is part of the mercy of Allah that disasters befall sinners in this world, so that their souls might be purified and they might come back to Allah before they die: “And verily, We will make them taste of the near torment (i.e. the torment in the life of this world, i.e. disasters, calamities) prior to the supreme torment (in the Hereafter), in order that they may (repent and) return (i.e. accept Islam).” [al-Sajdah:21]

There is a hadeeth of Sa’d who stated: The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was asked: “Who from mankind suffers the greatest afflictions?” He replied: “The Prophets, then those most like them, then those most like them. A person is afflicted with calamities in comparisons to his Deen, so if he is firm in his Deen, then his afflictions are strong and if he is weak in his Deen, then his afflictions are lighter. A person is afflicted with calamities until he is left walking upon the face of this earth without any sins.” [Ahmad & at-Tirmidhi]

I was struck by the lessons in this hadeeth. However hard our trials, we should remember that the prophets and messengers of Allah `alayhimus salaam who were the closest to Allah were the MOST tested among mankind. The Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was maligned, taunted, beaten till he bled, boycotted and driven to hunger on many occasions … he bore all this with courage and fortitude. In fact, severe trials used to make him stronger and even more resolute. How can we then complain of our hardships which pale in comparison?

The True Women of Substance
We would do well to draw inspiration from the many stories of the outstanding women in our glorious history. These women had a deep conviction in Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala and it is this that kept them steadfast throughout their ordeals.

There is the story of Hajar, the wife of `Ibrahim and mother of Isma`il. When she and her son were left in the desert of Makkah with no means of support, she calmly asked her husband if Allah had commanded it. When he replied in the affirmative, she faced her situation with optimism, saying, “Then He is not going to abandon us.” [Reported by al-Bukhari]

Then there was Sumayyah radhiallahu `anha, the mother of `Ammar ibn Yasir radhiallahu `anhuma. She and her family were of the early Muslims who were persecuted by the Quraish. They were tortured with burning sand poured over them, heated shields placed onto their bodies and much more. When she refused to recant, Abu Jahl, the wicked enemy of Islam, stabbed her abdomen till she died. Such was the strength of this old woman who had the honour of being the first martyr of Islam.

Umm Salamah Asma bint Yazid bin Sakan Ansariah radhiallahu `anhuma lost not one but three of her loved ones in the Battle of Uhud. When told that her father, brother `Amir and uncle Ziyad bin Sakan were martyred, she pushed her grief aside and asked about the Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam. When she saw him alive, she thanked Allah and said that all other troubles faded into significance.

How to Remain Steadfast
We are told that, “On no soul does Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear.” How can we then remain stoic and patient in times of hardship?

[1] Place your trust in Allah
Allah reminds us time and again in the Qur`an to rely on Him: “So rely upon Allah; indeed, you are upon the clear truth” (An-Naml: 79). Also: “… And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]” (Aal-‘Imraan: 159) and “… And rely upon Allah. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs” (An-Nisaa’: 81)

[2] Seek help in prayer
Whenever the Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was afflicted with problem, he would initiate a prayer. He said, “The light of my eye is in prayer.” [Ahmad & An-Nisa`i]

We should keep our tongues moist with dhikr for indeed, the remembrance of Allah would fill us with tranquility. There are also various du`aa that help to remove distress. The story of Abu Umaamah radhiallahu `anhu illustrates this. The Messenger sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam met him and asked, “Abu Umaamah, why do I see you sitting in the Masjid when it is not time for prayer?” He said: “Grief and debts on me, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “Shall I teach you words that if you should say, Allah will release you from your grief, and pay off your debts.” I said: “Yes, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “Every morning and in the evening say, ‘O Allah I ask refuge in you from grief and sorrow and I ask refuge in you in disability and laziness, and ask refuge in Allah from cowardliness and stinginess, and I ask refuge in you to be overwhelmed by debts and over the control of men.'” Abu Umaamah said: “I did that and Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala relieved me from my grief and paid off my debts.” [Abu Dawood]

[3] Accept the decree of Allah
The Messenger sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said: “From the happiness of the son of Adam is that he accepts what Allah decrees, and the misery of the son of Adam is that he rejects, and rebels against what Allah decrees.” [at-Tirmidhi]

Dawood Ibn Sulaiman said, “Three things indicate the piety of a believer; his trust in Allah in what he has not attained; his satisfaction with whatever he has attained and his patience over what he has missed.”

Remember also the hadeeth that says, “If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” (Al-Bukhari)

[4] Appreciate the rewards behind hardship
Surely we cannot refuse this gift from Allah! Shurayh said, “A slave will not be afflicted by a trial except that he finds three blessings therein, (1) that the trial has nothing to do with his religion, (2) that the trial was not bigger than it is, and (3) that Allah gives him patience to bear it.”

In a hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim from Abu Hurayrah, the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “Hell has been veiled with desires, and Paradise has been veiled with hardships.”

Trials, however difficult, are opportunities… stepping stones to Jannah. Can we refuse this gift of Allah?

May Allah give us strength and steadfastness, ameen.

I knew that I would never see him conscious again. So before the doctors placed my father on the life support machine, I deliberately lagged behind as my family left the room. As soon as my mother, brother, sister and husband stepped out the door, I turned and darted back to my father.

You see, I had something important to tell him. I had to tell him that I loved him.

I stroked his hand and whispered the words in his ear. I kissed him and then I had to leave him.

I’ve often agonized over that final moment. Did my father hear me? Did he know that I meant it with all of my heart?

The Lord’s Pleasure is Connected to the Parents’ Pleasure
Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala speaks about the importance of honouring one’s parents in the Qur`an, placing it second only to the worship of and pleasing Him.

“Worship Allah and join not any partners with him; and do good to parents…” [An-Nisa 4:36]

“Your Rabb has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to your parents…” [Al-Isra’ 17:23]

“And we have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) ‘Show gratitude to Me and to your parents – to Me is (your final) Goal.'” [Luqman 31: 14]

The Example of the Prophets & Salaf
How do we love, respect and revere our parents? We should take the cue from the Prophets `alayhimus salaam and the righteous Salaf (pious predecessors) who fully understood our parents’ exalted position and strove hard to fulfil their rights.

Allah praised Yahya `alayhis salaam for he was kind to his parents in their old age – “And (Prophet Yahya was) dutiful towards his parents and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allah or to his parents).” [Maryam 19: 14]

He also singled out `Isa `alayhis salaam who was devoted to his mother – “…And dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblest.” [Maryam 19:32]

Asir ibn Jaabir radhiallahu `anhu narrated: Whenever people would come from Yemen, `Umar radhiallahu `anhu would ask them, “Is Uways Al-Qaranee amongst you?” until, one year, he met Uways. He said, “Are you Uways Al-Qaranee?” He said, “Yes.” `Umar continued, “From Muraad, then Qaran?” He said, “Yes.” `Umar then asked, “Were you once afflicted with leprosy and your skin healed except for a dirham’s area?” Uways said, “Yes.” `Umar finally asked, “Do you have a mother (that is alive)?” He said, “Yes.” `Umar then said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah – sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam – say, ‘Uways ibn Aamir will come to you with the delegations from Yemen, from Muraad, then from Qaran. He was once afflicted with leprosy and his skin healed except for a dirham’s area. He has a mother, and he treats her kindly. If he was to ever swear by Allah (for something) Allah would fulfill his oath. If you can, request that he ask forgiveness for you.'” `Umar then requested from Uways, “Ask forgiveness for me.” And Uways Al-Qaranee did.

Look at how Allah honoured Uways – he fulfilled his every du`aa because he was dutiful to his mother.

Beware of `Uquq!
Al-Hasan al-Basri said, “Birr towards parents entails obeying their orders, except when what they order is in disobedience of Allah. In contrast, `Uquq entails neglecting parents and withholding one’s kindness from them.” [Ad-Durr al-Manthur]

In fact, disobeying our parents is a grievous sin – Abu Bakrah Nufay’ ibn al-Harith said, “The Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam asked us three times, ‘Shall I tell you the greatest sins?’ We said, ‘Yes, O Messenger of Allah!’ He said, “Associating partners with Allah and disobeying one’s parents.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam reminded us not to incur our parents’ displeasure when he said, “The Lord’s Pleasure is connected to the parents’ pleasure and the Lord’s Anger is connected to the parents’ anger.” [Kitabul-Kabair]

Look at this narration of Abdullah ibn Abu Aufa about the man who had wounded his mother’s feelings:

A man said, “O Allah’s Messenger! There s a young man who is dying and is commanded to recite La ilaaha illallah, but he is unable to recite it.” The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam went to the young man and ordered him, “Say La ilaaha illallah!” He replied, “I cannot.” The Prophet asked him why and he said, “Every time I want to recite it, my heart is prevented from doing so.” The Prophet asked him why and he said, “Because of my `uquq (undutiful treatment) towards my mother.”

The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam sent for her and asked her, “What if I commanded that a great fire is started and you were asked to invoke Allah to forgive your son, or else he would be thrown in it?” She said, “In that case, I will invoke Allah for him, O Allah’s Messenger!” The Prophet then said, “Then bear witness to Allah and then to me that you have forgiven him.” She said, “I bear witness to You (O Allah) and then to Your Messenger that I have forgiven my son.”

The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said to the young man, “Say La ilaaha illallah!” The man said, ” La ilaaha illallahu wahdahu la sharika lahu! (There is no deity worthy of worship but Allah Alone without partners)” The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said thrice, “All praise is due to Allah for saving you from the Fire.” [At-Tabarani]

The fact of the matter is that no matter what and how much we do, we can never fully repay our parents for all that they have done for us. Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni making tawaf of the Ka`bah, carrying his mother. The man said, “I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think that I have paid her back, O Ibn `Umar?” He replied, “No, not even one contraction. However, you have done good and Allah will reward you tremendously for the little that you could do.” [Al-Kaba’ir]

Birr Towards Our Parents
There are many ways in which we can be dutiful to our parents. This list is by no means exhaustive:

1. Go to every extent to please them
We should make our parents’ happiness and comfort a topmost priority. Dhibyaan ibn `Ali ath-Thawri radhiallahu `anhu used to travel with his mother to Makkah. When they rested, he would dig a little pool, fill it with cool water and invite his mother to sit in it so she could be protected from the searing heat.

Mu`awiyah ibn Qurrah used to praise his son saying, “What an excellent son, he took care of my life affairs for me and that allowed me to concentrate on matters of the Hereafter.” [Hilyatul-Auliya’]

2. Protect their feelings
We should never cause our parents grief or hurt them even by a fraction. Allah said, “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them, ‘Uff’ nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy and say, ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’ …” [Al-Isra’ 17: 17:23-24]

Ibn `Umar also said, “Bringing tears to parents is a part of `Uquq and a major sin.” [Bukhari]

3. Address them respectfully
When asked how one can address one’s parents in “terms of honour”, Sa`id ibn Musayyab radhiallahu `anhu said, “It means that you address them as a servant addresses a master.”

Indeed, the Salaf were so respectful that they were almost submissive and obsequious to their parents, no matter how high a status they themselves had attained. Abu Bakr ibn Ayyash said, “I used to sit with Mansur (a scholar) in his house and would hear his mother, who was loud and rude, shout at him, “O Mansur! Ibn Hubairah (governor of Iraq at that time) appointed you to the post of judge but you refuse.’ Mansur would not even look her in the eye out of respect.” [Al-Birr was-Silah by Ibn al-Jawzee]

Ibn Sirin used to speak to his mother in such a soft voice that it seemed as though he were ill.

4. Visit them regularly
Remember that severing ties of kinship is a major sin. For those of us who do not live with our parents, we would do well to look in on them regularly. Abu Hurairah radhiallahu `anhu had a beautiful relationship with his mother. He lived in the house next to hers and would make it a point to stand at her door whenever he went out and say, “Peace be unto to you, my mother, and Allah’s mercy and blessings.” She would reply, “Peace be unto you and Allah’s mercy and blessings.” He would then say, “May Allah grant you His Mercy for raising me when I was young,” and she would reply, “May Allah grant you His Mercy for being dutiful to me when you grew up.” Abu Hurairah would often repeat this statement when he went in or out. [Bukhari]

5. Make du`aa for them
Abu Dardaa radhiallahu `anhu has reported that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said, “The du`aa of a Muslim for another Muslim (in his absence) is responded to, as long as he makes du`aa for goodness and blessings. And the angel says, “Aameen! And may the same be for you too!” [Muslim]

6. Continue doing good for them even after they die
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said: “When a person dies, all his deeds come to an end except three: sadaqah jaariyah (ongoing charity, e.g. a waqf or endowment), beneficial knowledge (which he has left behind), or a righteous child who will pray for him.” [Tirmidhi]

We should not cease to seek forgiveness for our deceased parents for the Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said: “A man’s status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, ‘How did I get here?’ He will be told, ‘By your son’s du’aa’s (prayers) for forgiveness for you.'” [Ibn Maajah]

We can also perform acts of charity on their behalf. Ibn `Abbaas radhiallahu `anhuma reported that the mother of Sa’d ibn `Ubaadah radhiallahu `anhuma died when he was away from her. He said: “O Messenger of Allah, my mother has died and I am away from her. Will it benefit her anything if I give in charity on her behalf?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “Then I ask you to be my witness that I am giving my garden al-Mikhraaf (so called because it bore so many dates) in charity on her behalf.” [Al-Bukhari]

I’ve grown to understand that the best kind of love is the love for the sake of Allah. No one really belongs to us. They are ‘on loan’ to us from Allah and we are grateful for the time they are present and we are patient when they are taken back.

Now, I try not to think about whether my father heard me that day. Maybe he did and maybe he did not… but that is not important anymore. I have too much to do… supplications to make, charity to give and projects to run… may Allah make all this possible, ameen.

I have to work hard because I hope that in so doing, on the Day of Judgement, my father will know for sure that I love him…