The air these days is terribly chilly. The blessedly bright and sunny day we had on Eid gave way to dark clouds and biting wind. Soon, unrelenting cold rains will fall for days on end and winter will be officially here. Our room is now cluttered with voluminous bedding and blankets and the wardrobes are busting at the seams with winterwear we’ve unearthed from the store-room. Things seemed to come to a head yesteday – the gloom and mess left us feeling unsettled and annoyed.

Poor Bear had been coughing badly the past few days. She’d been stuffed with all sorts of warm beverages, home remedies and medication, none of which seemed to be working. Yesterday, she coughed practically every other second and by evening, slumped in her chair and pitifully declared, “I’m SO tired … I’ve been coughing so much.”

Mars, just recovering from her illness, wasn’t doing much better. She was coughing as well, though not as badly as her sister, and was irritable after being cooped up in the house for so long. Without her loyal partner in crime to mess around with, she was a shell of her usual bouncy self.

The Dad Man, already worried about Bear, was upset because he had been forced to consume 7-UP at two homes he visited and was convinced it was what had given him the ‘flu. I was about to tell him that his symptoms may have been psychosomatic, given his aversion to caffeine and soft drinks, but levels of irritation were so high all around that I knew it would escalate into an unnecessary, heated argument.

Tired of the frazzled nerves, we decided that some comfort food was in order. We needed something warm, something hearty, something soul-soothing to bring back the cheer. We needed Lamiya’s Soup.

Now, there are an awful lot of ingredients in this soup – chicken stock, tomatoes, potatoes, chicken, capsicum, carrots, coriander and noodles. The stock needs to ‘brew’ and the vegetables must be cut and diced well, so preparation can be awfully tedious. The girls wanted to help and begged me to let them cook along. I remembered how we chatted and laughed in the kitchen last winter. I also had a less pleasant recollection of tempers fraying as the work progressed – when ingredients weren’t cut delicately enough; when there were spills and peels to clear; when the little kitchen felt too constricting altogether…

I made some ginger tea for the kids while trying to decide if I wanted my rowdy ruffians as my apprentice chefs and they watched. Mars began telling me about her gardening efforts – she has been growing garlic and onions in her room. Bear talked about her cross stitch sampler. I felt the tension dissipate and I knew that I had to let go of my exacting standards. We WILL have bad days, rooms WILL get untidy and moods WILL fluctuate – life isn’t a well-choreographed movie. Nothing is perfect so just roll with it.

I did. We did.

We made du`aa for barakah in our effort and result and plunged right in. Bear put on a face mask (yes, she was coughing THAT much!) and took charge of washing the vegetables and chopping the capsicum. Mars peeled and diced the potatoes. I tackled the chicken broth and other trickier bits. Interestingly enough, the kitchen’s cubicle proportions didn’t bother us for once. We didn’t jostle one another or encroach on each other’s work space. Everything was prepared beautifully and *just so* and the girls amazed themselves with their dexterity.

We got to know each other again that evening. The girls learnt that their mum likes things neat and so they remembered to clean up as they went along. Mars is into method and hurries to see the result of her efforts. Bear enjoys the process – she likes the company and is sorry when the job is done. It made me smile when they both broke up the noodles for the soup. Mars broke them three at a time and when Bear saw this, she cried out, “Don’t! No, do it SLOWLY! I want to TALK TO YOU!”

When we all sat down and ate the soup together for dinner, there was silence at first. We had our first sip and let the goodness run through. There was palpable contentment. Dadi was the first to break the silence and said in a gleeful manner that all one needs in winter are soup and pakoras. :) We all laughed, good humour was restored and conversation was merry.

I know we will have hectic and even trying times ahead, but I shall tell myself each morning: I will be grateful for this day.

I found some old email print-outs and remembered a couple of incidents from my past. As usual, I have a bit of a long story to tell. *S* A few years ago, in trying to become a more practising Muslim, I underwent a great struggle. I felt very much alone – it was as if not one person around me – not my family, not my friends – understood me. When we discussed Islamic issues, I would be dismissed – as if I were “going too far” or as if I were spewing out drivel.

There is one particular occasion that stands out. I was at work and discussing the issue of hijab and niqab [the face veil] with a colleague when another sister cut in and said to the person I was talking to, “But you don’t NEED to go into all that stuff.” She said this in a curt and warning tone, as if what I had been talking about was completely unnecessary… as if I would lead her astray. Mind you, I was not even advocating niqab – I was just discussing different points of views and I merely indicated that I liked the idea of niqab even though I do not wear it. That sister’s words and tone truly stung, not only because of what she implied but also because she was a close friend of mine. It hurt all the more because it was not the first time she had subtly or not so subtly made her feelings known. I made no answer then and just left the issue.

On another occasion, I was at a wedding with a few relatives. I was not married then and I suppose there were those who felt sorry for me and took it upon themselves to feel desperate on my behalf. I could tell they were on the lookout for potential suitors for me. Some were quite well meaning but others went a little too far. My initial amusement turned into annoyance. I was quite content to leave matters to Allah and I did not appreciate the methods they advocated.

During the dinner, I put on a nice black jilbab with a new matching scarf. I did not put on make up on as the wedding was not a segregated affair. I didn’t think I looked all that bad – not flashy but not sloppy or dowdy for sure.

When one of the elders saw me, her face just fell and she then looked irritated. She kept urging me to put some lipstick on. I said, no, getting a little fed-up, because I had tolerated days of disappointed looks and whispered sarcasm. After more pestering on her part and more refusal on mine, the lady said exasperatedly, “BUT YOU DON’T LOOK NICE!” Not much more was said thereafter… my evening was quite ruined.

It depressed me, not because I was told I didn’t look nice – I am not too concerned about what other people think about my looks – but because I felt very much alone.

In situations like these, I take comfort in the advice one of my online friends. AlHamdulillah for I have met many encouraging Muslims via the internet. It may have been that they had undergone the very same problems that I had. Whatever it was, I felt a deep sense of affinity with these individuals. They were gentle when I needed correction, patient when I needed information and compassionate when I needed a friend.

This one friend reminded me that such a feeling of ‘strangeness’ is a praiseworthy condition when one refuses to conform to useless customs. I was told, “Da’wah is like bringing up a child – one does not actually see him growing… It takes time before one notices the changes and one therefore needs patience.”

Some early scholars used to advise, “Keep fast to the path of truth, and do not succumb to loneliness because of the few who tread it; and be aware of the path of falsehood, and do not be deceived by the many headed on it to destruction.”

My friend told me of the words of Ibn Hazm, who said:

“As for the reproach made to me by ignorant adversaries who say that I put no value on anyone who disagrees with me when I believe that I am in the right, and that I would never act in concert with the ones I contradict even if they amounted to the entire human population on the face of the earth, and that I place no value on conforming with the people of my country in many of the customs or costume which they have adopted for no particular reason – this independence is a quality which I regard as one of my most important virtues. There is nothing equal to it, and, upon my life, if I did not possess it [God forbid], it would be this that I most longed for, and hoped for, and prayed for to God Almighty. In fact, my advice to all who may hear my words is to behave in the same way. There is no benefit to be had from copying other people if their actions are vain and pointless. By so doing, one annoys the Almighty, and disappoints one’s mind [deludes oneself], causes suffering to one’s soul and body and takes upon one’s shoulders an unnecessary yoke.”

It has been many years since I received and printed out the email. It is only now, with the passage of time, that I truly appreciate the wisdom. I hope that Inshaa Allah this will help you all in some way if you go through difficult times.

My father passed away ten months ago [in Ramadhan 2002] after a long and hard battle against multiple myeloma. He had been diagnosed two years earlier and we had all known then that the cancer was in its advanced stages. Even so, I was not prepared. When he breathed his last, the pain was like nothing I had ever felt before. I learnt then that grief is not something you can plan for – it is a profoundly lonely and frightening experience.

My father battled the disease stoically and sought comfort in prayer and supplication. He was blessed with a cheerful and vibrant countenance and it was this that made it hard for people to believe that he had such a serious illness. He did lose his hair and his usual vigour due to the chemotherapy; nevertheless, he still managed to look almost healthy. Looking back, I know now that he struggled very hard to appear well – he kept up his immaculate appearance and put up a brave front in front of others.

My mother stood by him throughout his illness, nursing him and taking care of his every need. She fought fatigue and despair and held his hand when he felt alone and afraid. This woman who must have had dreams of growing old with her husband remained a pillar of strength when he passed away and kept the family united.

Through my mother and father, I have grown to appreciate how very resilient the human spirit can be. So, today, I would like to talk about meeting adversities with grace and courage.

Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala says in the noble Qur’an, “And certainly We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to those who are patient.” (Al Baqarah 2: 155)

This life is filled with fortune and benefits as well as hardship and trials. Our lives alternate between comfort and suffering. The believer, however, knows that the pleasures of this world are but temporary and that he should focus on ensuring that he has provisions of piety which would serve him well in the hereafter. Allah tells us, “Truly, the life of this world is nothing but a [quick passing] enjoyment, and verily, the Hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Al-Ghafir: 39]

I am reminded of a conversation that took place a few years ago. I was then struggling to become a more practicing and knowledgeable Muslimah. It seemed that the harder I tried, the more trials I seemed to encounter. This I conveyed to a friend whom I always turned to for guidance and support.

I had expected words of consolation and understanding, but the reply I got was brief and almost curt – “But of course… Jannah does not come cheap.”

I was taken aback then, but I now know that that person’s words are true. Allah has said in Surah al-`Ankaboot: 2-3]: “Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe,’ and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allah knows all that before putting them to test)…”

Indeed, this world is the place of striving and the Hereafter is the place of reward… provided we remain patient and steadfast. As Allah promised: “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to as-Saabiroon (the patient), who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones…” [al-Baqarah:155-157]

Meeting Pain with Patience
Sadness, anguish and even anger in times of trials are natural. The danger is that if we do not exercise sufficient self-control, these feelings may take over us and cause us to lose perspective. This trait is not restricted to the fairer sex of course, but we do have a tendency to become emotional and overwrought. We forget that there are others who are afflicted with much worse. We lament and moan about our difficulties, forgetting that they are blessings in themselves.

One may find it odd to say that trials are a boon, but we need to only look at the Qur`an and Sunnah to know that trials refine our character and fortify our faith. Allah tests His slaves with calamities in order to raise them in status and to expiate for their sins, as the Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said in another hadeeth: “No misfortune or disease befalls a Muslim, no worry or grief or harm or distress – not even a thorn that pricks him – but Allah will expiate for some of his sins because of that.” (Agreed upon, narrated by al-Bukhari)

It is part of the mercy of Allah that disasters befall sinners in this world, so that their souls might be purified and they might come back to Allah before they die: “And verily, We will make them taste of the near torment (i.e. the torment in the life of this world, i.e. disasters, calamities) prior to the supreme torment (in the Hereafter), in order that they may (repent and) return (i.e. accept Islam).” [al-Sajdah:21]

There is a hadeeth of Sa’d who stated: The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was asked: “Who from mankind suffers the greatest afflictions?” He replied: “The Prophets, then those most like them, then those most like them. A person is afflicted with calamities in comparisons to his Deen, so if he is firm in his Deen, then his afflictions are strong and if he is weak in his Deen, then his afflictions are lighter. A person is afflicted with calamities until he is left walking upon the face of this earth without any sins.” [Ahmad & at-Tirmidhi]

I was struck by the lessons in this hadeeth. However hard our trials, we should remember that the prophets and messengers of Allah `alayhimus salaam who were the closest to Allah were the MOST tested among mankind. The Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was maligned, taunted, beaten till he bled, boycotted and driven to hunger on many occasions … he bore all this with courage and fortitude. In fact, severe trials used to make him stronger and even more resolute. How can we then complain of our hardships which pale in comparison?

The True Women of Substance
We would do well to draw inspiration from the many stories of the outstanding women in our glorious history. These women had a deep conviction in Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala and it is this that kept them steadfast throughout their ordeals.

There is the story of Hajar, the wife of `Ibrahim and mother of Isma`il. When she and her son were left in the desert of Makkah with no means of support, she calmly asked her husband if Allah had commanded it. When he replied in the affirmative, she faced her situation with optimism, saying, “Then He is not going to abandon us.” [Reported by al-Bukhari]

Then there was Sumayyah radhiallahu `anha, the mother of `Ammar ibn Yasir radhiallahu `anhuma. She and her family were of the early Muslims who were persecuted by the Quraish. They were tortured with burning sand poured over them, heated shields placed onto their bodies and much more. When she refused to recant, Abu Jahl, the wicked enemy of Islam, stabbed her abdomen till she died. Such was the strength of this old woman who had the honour of being the first martyr of Islam.

Umm Salamah Asma bint Yazid bin Sakan Ansariah radhiallahu `anhuma lost not one but three of her loved ones in the Battle of Uhud. When told that her father, brother `Amir and uncle Ziyad bin Sakan were martyred, she pushed her grief aside and asked about the Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam. When she saw him alive, she thanked Allah and said that all other troubles faded into significance.

How to Remain Steadfast
We are told that, “On no soul does Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear.” How can we then remain stoic and patient in times of hardship?

[1] Place your trust in Allah
Allah reminds us time and again in the Qur`an to rely on Him: “So rely upon Allah; indeed, you are upon the clear truth” (An-Naml: 79). Also: “… And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]” (Aal-‘Imraan: 159) and “… And rely upon Allah. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs” (An-Nisaa’: 81)

[2] Seek help in prayer
Whenever the Messenger of Allah sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam was afflicted with problem, he would initiate a prayer. He said, “The light of my eye is in prayer.” [Ahmad & An-Nisa`i]

We should keep our tongues moist with dhikr for indeed, the remembrance of Allah would fill us with tranquility. There are also various du`aa that help to remove distress. The story of Abu Umaamah radhiallahu `anhu illustrates this. The Messenger sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam met him and asked, “Abu Umaamah, why do I see you sitting in the Masjid when it is not time for prayer?” He said: “Grief and debts on me, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “Shall I teach you words that if you should say, Allah will release you from your grief, and pay off your debts.” I said: “Yes, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “Every morning and in the evening say, ‘O Allah I ask refuge in you from grief and sorrow and I ask refuge in you in disability and laziness, and ask refuge in Allah from cowardliness and stinginess, and I ask refuge in you to be overwhelmed by debts and over the control of men.'” Abu Umaamah said: “I did that and Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala relieved me from my grief and paid off my debts.” [Abu Dawood]

[3] Accept the decree of Allah
The Messenger sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam said: “From the happiness of the son of Adam is that he accepts what Allah decrees, and the misery of the son of Adam is that he rejects, and rebels against what Allah decrees.” [at-Tirmidhi]

Dawood Ibn Sulaiman said, “Three things indicate the piety of a believer; his trust in Allah in what he has not attained; his satisfaction with whatever he has attained and his patience over what he has missed.”

Remember also the hadeeth that says, “If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” (Al-Bukhari)

[4] Appreciate the rewards behind hardship
Surely we cannot refuse this gift from Allah! Shurayh said, “A slave will not be afflicted by a trial except that he finds three blessings therein, (1) that the trial has nothing to do with his religion, (2) that the trial was not bigger than it is, and (3) that Allah gives him patience to bear it.”

In a hadith narrated by Bukhari and Muslim from Abu Hurayrah, the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “Hell has been veiled with desires, and Paradise has been veiled with hardships.”

Trials, however difficult, are opportunities… stepping stones to Jannah. Can we refuse this gift of Allah?

May Allah give us strength and steadfastness, ameen.

I know … this is meant to be a homeschooling blog but the home-ed categories show precious few entries.

I’ll post some lesson plans on butterfliesnext in shaa Allah… but I will confess, the reason why I stopped posting for a while was because I felt like a fraud. What I mean to say is that I do still firmly believe that for us, homeschooling is THE road to take. My methods were another story altogether ;) Marz was (and still is) doing alright alhamdulillah but I began to crumble. I had a list of goals to achieve and wanted to do everything *just so* but this is not always possible when one has a little baby to care for at the same time. I was getting overly anxious – will I ever get the Singaporean out of me? (You’d have to live there to know what I am talking about *S*)

The beauty of home education is that it is flexible. I don’t mean to say that a parent can put in next to zero effort, let a child run willy nilly and then say that homeschooling is flexible. I mean that education is not just about and through books. There is more to a child/person than that. While I was fussing about lessons still undone, my daughter was doing some learning of her own. She learnt to help her busy mum, to share unreservedly, to give way to her little sister without resentment and to be independent.

Sometimes lessons are best learnt when you put the books aside and speak straight from the heart. Some you can’t TEACH – they can only be learnt through plain and simple LIVING.

A sister told me to relax and to breathe… another told me to just love my child and place trust in Allah.

They are right.

There is so much room for improvement where I am concerned. So we will try to do better each day but we are doing OK alhamdulillah…

I have been struggling to loosen up. It sounds funny coming from an easy-going person like me. I am usually not one to get too intense about time management, schedules and goals, but when it comes to Marz’s schooling, I seem to have taken on a completely different personality! I’ve become a stickler for deadlines, a fusspot for details and, I hate to admit it, a complete ogre who may be killing any enthusiasm my child has for learning.

I’ve learnt in the past couple of weeks that it is crucial that I make space for Marz. I have to make room for her foibles just as she has to take my many weaknesses and mistakes in stride. She may not do things to MY standards, but then, she should not have to. My job is not to create a genius (OK, I do admit, I LIKE the idea) but to give her plenty of encouragement and opportunities to grow and to develop a passion for knowledge.

So… I don’t wince when she messes up the paints simply because “it is nice to MIX them ALL UP”. I no longer grimace when she colours outside the lines. I won’t tell her bears must be brown or black and not “multi-coloured”.

There are times when I fret and wonder why something so simple takes on gargantuan proportions to her. Then I remember… patience. Bearing in mind that mistakes are inevitable makes this arduous journey so much easier and pleasant. I’ve had thirty-something years of living. She’s just starting out. I should celebrate her accomplishments, not her hiccups.

I need to cut her some slack.