There are days when I wake up with my jaws clenched, my neck and shoulders tightly wound up and my heart pounding. Getting through the day is like walking on the edge of a cliff. I teeter, slip and catch myself before I fall down the gut-wrenchingly immeasurable great unknown.
Everything rattles my nerves on such days – the scarves I’ve asked the children to put away but keep popping up on the bannister, the chair, the floor… anywhere but where they are supposed to be; the dust that won’t stay gone no matter how much I dust and clean, testimony of my failure as a home maker; the people who ask questions I don’t want to answer, who make pronouncements on my life I don’t wish to hear and who make demands on my life I don’t care to entertain…
I feel overwhelmed and boxed in. I cannot find the solace I need. I feel like I cannot take it anymore. Not one minute, not one second more. I have to fight down the scream and rant that threaten to erupt and sometimes I fail.
I pray and pray and the manic edge starts to mellow.
Then, a kind friend calls me over. We talk and drink much comforting tea. Her children shower mine with attention and sweet, hand-made gifts. The afternoon is punctuated with easy companionship, smiles and laughter.
I return home and prepare dinner. The children fuss – eager to help – and compliment my cooking even before it is served. They eat with gusto and declare that I am a good… no, THE BEST cook ever. We pray and give thanks for all we have been given. We talk, read and snuggle up in bed.
My girls cannot stop talking about their day and their mighty plans for the next. They tell me they love me.
I close my eyes and I know I am fine. I am more than fine… I am well and truly blessed.
Oh I know those days too well! What a blessing good friends and a big mug of tea can be! Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah indeed :) Some people bash tea but my friend and I were just saying the other day that it is such a ni`mah :)
Sometimes I do wish that I have such friends over here in a different land… Qadarallaah Masha Allaah! Counting the ni’hmah makes you feel so good Alhamdulillaah!
Good friends are indeed a blessing :) It wasn’t too long ago that my kids and I were quite alone – well, not quite, we had each other :) But you know, we didn’t have any friends really. The one family we really loved had to move away and my elder daughter was crushed. That family’s eldest daughter was like her big sister! Other families we really connected with were from overseas and we would only meet them once a year if at all. I remember one thing I used to tell my kids – that it was alright and that we had to make lots of du`aa not just for friends but for the right companionship. Alhamdulillah, our prayers were answered and we have such a loving and supportive circle of friends now. The journey’s made my daughters closer too – they are each other’s best friend :)
I make du`aa that you too will find kindred spirits where you are :)
Assalaamu alaikum sister
I felt every one of your words,subhanallah. We have all been there, homeschooling takes it’s toll some days :) May Allah make it easy for as and make it a source of reward in dunya and aakhira :)
It is sooo necessary to have support even if it is online. It is one of the reasons i started a blog, to be able to join, benefit and benefit from the online sisterhood. We see that no matter the country no matter how many children we are all fallible and make the same mistakes, have the same fears and hope and pray Allah accept it from us.